The alternative European Commission

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

It’s official: Ursula von der Leyen is a slow reader! How else to explain her decision to delay the announcement of her new European Commission just hours after Mario “Bazooka” Draghi’s report on the future of EU competitiveness? The only plausible explanation is that she hadn’t read Draghi’s report — although to be fair, it did run to 400 pages (was he being paid by the word?).

Thanks to the delay, von der Leyen now has another week to get EU countries to swap out their male commissioner nominees for female ones after already having had success in that regard with Romania and Slovenia (perhaps the only thing that can ease the pressure she’s putting on Malta to follow suit is if Taylor Swift endorses Valletta’s nominee, Glenn Micallef.)

But perhaps von der Leyen is instead planning a major overhaul, bringing in some big names and making some off-the-wall choices. Declassified found a new list of nominees and portfolios written on a discarded napkin outside the EXKi on Schuman roundabout. It reveals a hitherto unseen fun side to von der Leyen. Here’s some of her thinking …

Commissioner for tech: Elon Musk
Pros: Large social media presence. Commission away days could be held in space.
Cons: Batshit crazy. Once live-tweeted himself taking a shit, which would be awkward on the 13th floor of the Berlaymont.

Commissioner for health: Didier Raoult 
Pros: Controversial French doctor’s advocacy for alternative treatments for Covid would save a lot of money on vaccines. Less odd than Thierry Breton.
Cons: Quite a lot of people might die.

Commissioner for economic stability: Liz Truss
Pros: Experience running a (former) major country. Would only need paying for a few weeks before flaming out.
Cons: Might clash with Slovenian nominee Marta Kos, whose surname sounds like a type of lettuce.

Commissioner for hunting (especially wolves): Juan Carlos
Pros: As a former king of Spain, has strong diplomatic ties. There’s photographic evidence of him in front of dead animals.
Cons: Having a commissioner who has slaughtered an elephant might not play well with the “woke” young people.

Commissioner for crisis management: József Szájer
Pros: Ex-Hungarian MEP fled a Brussels lockdown orgy along a drainpipe with a backpack containing narcotics, showing an ability to think on his feet (and back). Appointment would annoy Viktor Orbán.
Cons: None. Hire this man immediately.

Commissioner for interinstitutional relations: Maroš Šefčovič
As set out in the EU treaties, Šefčovič has to have a job in the Commission for time immemorial.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“When I said I needed a new spin doctor, this is not what I meant.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“So they are both inside now. When I count to three, we close the door, pack the tent and load it and go,” by Libor Kudláček

Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.